My First Fringe

With every new experience, the mind and the soul is enriched.
As the morning rises on the first Monday following the 2023 Kansas City Fringe Festival, I find myself in two opposite but connected states of mind. Through experiencing something new and exciting, I feel myself entering a new mindset and identity. Along with that, I feel much more in touch with my old self than I have been in a long time.

As a working theatre and film artist in the Kansas City area, I have heard of or been exposed to Fringe Festival for many years. Some of my closest friends have either been in or produced shows in this festival. It always intrigued me because it felt like a city giving voices to those that don’t usually have them. It also was a great outlet for audiences to discover new artists because sometimes it can be easy to get lost in the shuffle in the regional theatre and local film scene.

I always told myself that it was something that I wanted to be a part of but the timing just never panned out. Either I didn’t know how to get involved early enough in the process or I ended up being in a show around the same time of Fringe. This year was the first time that I was able to take part in such a process. It proved to be one of the most rewarding experiences of my life, in so many ways.

I actually had planned to produce a show this year but unfortunately did not make the cut for the selected shows. I am in no way bothered by this because I truly don’t think I was ready. Not only has that given me time improve the prospective show but it proved very important to go through Fringe as an actor first.

I want to lay the groundwork of the personal situation I have been going through for the last few years in order to truly paint the picture of how important this summer has been.

Almost my entire life, I have lived in the identity of being a storyteller. A long of people take a long time to figure out their identity or what they want in life—this has been very clear for me from the start. It took me long time before I discovered my love for theatre and acting but creating and writing has always been at the forefront of my personality. I recently ran into an old writing instructor and she said to me “Are you still writing? You are so great at that.” I don’t bring this us to boast but that moment struck me because I truly don’t remember showing that instructor a ton of my creative writing. So for them to remember that about me—almost 15 years ago—I think that is a strong sign of how prominent that aspect of my identity is. I’ve been seeing a therapist for the last year and one thought that rings throughout our sessions is “if I’m not a writer, then what am I?”

All that being said, I feel as if my writing has become less frequent within the last 6-7 years. I still do it, I still outline stories, and have 1,003 notes laying around my apartment of story ideas, dialogue, and things of that sort. I haven’t been actually writing a full story from start to finish though. The few short scripts or poems that I have finished have all been specialty pieces, such as 1-page scripts for a competition or a 10-minute play for a virtual reading. The thoughts and drive has been there, but the action has been absent.

In conjunction with that, even my acting has died down since 2019. I always struggled with public perception and self-image but it became a thousand times worse since the pandemic. Obviously, many people went through hardships beyond mine but I felt that I fell out-of-touch with myself. For many years after the start of COVID, I didn’t see myself when I looked in the mirror. My hair began to thin and I gained about 60lbs. I didn’t look like the same person and I sure as hell didn’t feel like it. This then translated to me not going to auditions anymore and often being scared to see friends at times because I was so embaressed at how I looked. I’ve always had body image issues but this was much worse than it was before. There were so many shows that I wanted to do but never went out for them because I was afraid of the judgement that I would face—intentional or not.

I kept telling myself that I would get over this hump but no real action took places to move on from this. Just as the cliché story goes, a breaking point arrives to shift the mindset of the individual.
It was in November of 2021. I was in Miami for work. I should have been out at night—enjoying the night life—but instead I was lying underneath my bed because every time I looked at my window, I felt the urge to jump out of it. I don’t want to explain what lead to this feeling—and who knows if I even could—but the feeling was intense and never-escaping.

Thankfully, I didn’t take action on any of the thoughts I had during that trip but my mindset didn’t shift from it. I told my therapist several times I had no plans to take my own life but it was how I saw my life panning out. It could be tomorrow, it could be in six years, but I saw that outcome coming to fruition. It wasn’t even a depressive or sad thought for me—it was just a matter of fact. I had just accepted it.

This alarmed my therapist to say the least. She eventually got very stern with me and said “I am very concerned about you. I need to you to do something about this now.” Sometimes in life, we need that kick in the pants from someone—that’s what this moment was for me. Later that week, I booked an appointment at a behavioral health center and they put me on medication for depression and anxiety.

I was not anti-medication by any means but it was not something I ever wanted to do. I was afraid of my realy personality, creativity, and passion being supressed. I feared becoming this filtered version of my true self. I could have not been more wrong about the truth.

Getting on medication is the single best decision that I have ever made in my entire life. Since getting on it, I feel MORE in touch with myself. Any stressful moment I have is just that—a moment. I move on from all problems almost immediately. If I feel like someone doesn’t like me—which is fairly often, to be honest—I just accept that idea and continue to live my life. Before, I wouldn’t be able to escape these thoughts and they would shut me down.

I also found myself getting in touch with my old self and the things that define me—the things I loved. I felt that I lost a lot of my moral fiber but that all was starting to come back. I fell victim to a cynical and judgmental society, but now I feel connected to my positive outlooks on life once again. Fear has been replaced by hope.

I tell this story in order to truly understand the state of mind that I was in, heading into Fringe. One of my best friends offered me a role in his show and I gladly accepted. It was my first show since 2021 and my first full theatrical production since the summer of 2019. It took me a few weeks to get back into the groove of theatre acting but eventually felt at home once again.

The one major struggle that I did feel was that I took a lot of pride in my hard work and professionalism before but a large motivator in that was my fear and anxiety. I was scared of people thinking I don’t work hard enough and I was self-concious about my lack of natural talent, so I felt like I had to be extra professional in order to prove my worth. So without all of those feelings, there was a little bit of a struggle to get back into the groove and motivate myself. Eventually I came back around but I will say that it took a lot longer than it should have. Where I felt during the last week of rehearsal should’ve honestly been where I should’ve been during the second week.

We truly had some great moments throughout the run of this show. Every actor had their iconic moments on stage and we all grew together as an ensemble, even having some super fun moments outside of rehearsal. There were a lot of things that I did that were great but I know that they can be even better if they are reached at an earlier stage by me. The whole “acting is reacting” mantra is often repeated but there’s so much truth in it. So much of acting is listening, communicating, and responding in an honest and authentic manner. It took me a while to get back into that but I do believe that I finally got there.

In addition to our show, I learned so much about the Fringe Festival and the true artistic beauty that it supplies. It truly is a wonderful feeling seeing all of these artists—both local and traveling—putting on these productions that they feel so passionate about. Even with some of the shows that I didn’t care for as much, you could see the love and dedication behind them. That is always a beautiful feeling.

There was also this on-the-go, DIY aspect to production of the shows that I loved. It reminded me of when I was in college and we were doing a 48-Hour film festival. You have to find what truly matter and what you really need and finding the cheapest and most modest way to accomplish it without sacrificing story and intent. It filled me with this feeling of these Elizabethan artists, producing their shows for the locals passing by on the trail.

So now more than ever, I feel like I know myself again. I have met so many great people throughout this Fringe run and it’ll forever stay in my heart as a life-changing experiencing. I have some potentially big things planned but for now, I am just happy and grateful to be in this current state that I am in.

I am more motivated than ever, more hopeful than ever, and more grounded than ever.

Here’s to this second shot at life. The life I want. The life I need. The life I was meant to have.